Essays
Yes. I’ve Returned.
It wasn’t until I had disappeared that people started asking questions. And it wasn’t until I stopped writing that I began to receive emails and inquiries from friends about what happened to Johnny Beloved? And I discovered something rather pleasant because of my absence. I was missed.
What is even more amazing, fascinating to me is that I was missed by strangers. I discovered that there was a priest who lived in California. He had become a regular reader and was wondering when I would come back. Other friends from church had referred my blog to friends and family and now, all their friends and family were asking questions. Kind of like being given a gift only to have it taken away. I found out that pastors around the country read my poor excuses for essays and found them funny, enlightening and intelligent. A pastor in Leavenworth, Kansas, even wrote a book and wanted to feature a quote from me.
I didn’t discover this all at once, but little by little. A tiny question one week, followed by a small inquiry the next week. And these little seeds became a thought, which grew into a full-blown question: Why did I stop?
Nothing To Say?
I guess the first thought that comes to mind is that at some point along the road, I began to believe that I was out of things to say. Frankly, I got tired of ranting about everything I saw in the world and in the church, not to mention all the bickering, backbiting and ridiculous ideologists in every facet of Christianity trying to tell the world that they’re position on any point of doctrine was the correct one and worrying about pushing the sanctity of their opinion rather than the love of Christ. And if one continues to focus on the bad Ladies and Gentlemen, one will only burn themselves as with a magnifying glass during the heat of summer. And well, to no one’s surprise, I got tired of it.
But that’s not the real reason I stopped. Historically, I’ve always slowed down during the summer. It’s actually the worst period in the world for me to write. Which, now that I think about it, is probably the reason it’s so hard for me to get my writing projects done here. It’s always so frigging hot and riddled with sunshine, things to do and beautiful blue skies devoid of anything that would remotely resemble a cloud.
I need gray skies and rain. Cold November days where you can stare outside and almost see the exact moment when nature itself goes comatose. I need snow so thick that there is nothing else to do but watch it come down, come down and think. Drink something warm and think. I need a land that for a time, is always winter and never Christmas. Because I hate Christmas.
I Got Busy…With Depression
Another classic excuse I use for when production becomes poor. And while it is true that I have been exceptionally busy with getting a new job, moving apartments, family issues and troubles…I am left without excuse when one decides to boil the water down. The fact is, if I had wanted to, I could have made the time. I could have found new subjects to write about. Not everything has to be serious or even religious in nature (which is something I am going to try…) I could have posted shorter articles that took less time and preparation. I could have made a variety of little changes that would have ensured the free-flow of ideas. But I didn’t want to.
This summer, like most summers, I was depressed. And it was bad this time, Ladies and Gentlemen. I yelled and snapped at my wife in ways I never thought possible. I stared at the ceiling with tears coming down my cheeks for hours on end. I prayed and struggled and wanted to die. I was to the point that I was going to see a therapist. (Which is something that is still on the table, but we’ll get to that later.) My wife was worried, my pastor was worried, it was–in a word–”bad.”
But even that is not a valid reason for my absence.
So What Was The Reason
The biggest reason I stopped was because I didn’t think it mattered to anyone. People read this blog and say nothing. They’re either afraid to put their thoughts out there, or maybe I’m a guilty pleasure, who knows. Maybe I’m not as “Christian” as they would like me to be if caught with my site on their computer screen. Maybe the articles are too long or hard to read. The fact is, I don’t know why people read or don’t read, why they comment or don’t comment. But I do know one thing. I like having conversations with people rather that spouting my mouth off and thinking that no one gives a rat’s ass. All these pastors and priests and people of the cloth pay attention to what my humble blog has to say and remain silent. It’s not like I give you a lot of room for a neutral opinion.
Maybe it’s just nice to feel needed. And that’s why I’m back. Because, like I mentioned in the beginning of my post, I was missed. And it felt good. It meant something to know that people read this thing. But here’s the problem: I need you to talk back.
Just a little.
It’s a selfish thing to ask, I know. But in order for this to work, I need to know what you like about Johnny Beloved and what you don’t like. What you want to see more of and what you skip over–like a poor choice on a mixed CD you made for a road trip. Otherwise, I’m over pretending that the crap that flows out of my mouth is pure gold and we all know that to be a lie.
So there you have it. You know why I was gone, why I’m back and what I want. Scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. In the meantime, just so you know…
I’ve missed you too.
Discussion
16 comments for “Yes. I’ve Returned.”
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Glad to have you back. And don’t let anyone trick you into thinking depression isn’t a valid reason for anything. Some days it’s all there is, isn’t it?
Just so you know, I like you as you are - no changes or excuses (though valid) are necessary…
Oddly enough, I cannot comprehend how the summer depresses you, as it’s the winter (I’m always cold, it’s tough to even venture from the house, and the world is all too silent) that gets me. Regardless, I’m glad you’re back
Well, I, for one, look forward to what you have to say. Almost always, your posts make me think and usually I agree with what you are saying. Most likely, I have thought the same thing at some point. You are just better at crystallizing them into words.
@Natalie - I’m glad to know that you still read my little blog. I’d read that you weren’t feeling too well with the pregnancy. How are things now?
@Sam - It’s always good to hear from you. When is your book out?
@Chance - You need your own blog. Something not mySpace. It would be good for you. I’m not the only one good with words. Oh, and this advice goes to Claire as well.
The world needs more people who think like you Zach, and who are brave and stupid enough to actually say it!
What you say is refreshing to my soul and speaks the language that I am unable to articulately express myself (the mark of any good writer…) I’m sorry your summer was rough. I too love rain clouds, gray skies and snowy afternoons - I am motivated by them you could say. Kyle doesn’t understand…….. why the sunshine almost depresses me, in a way. So great to have you back! I think you should discuss certain topics that you are torn about or haven’t made up your mind about (although I find that hard to believe…) Carpe Diem, Emilie
@Emilie - Subjects in which I have no opinion…are there any? I’m not sure.
Hey officially Thanks for letting me tag along Saturday. You were right again I was blown away by the sheer ridiculous greatness of Muse.
I say we heal your wife by shaking some keys over her head and faking some chant. She needs to be well by Saturday! When I say cheap beer you say float trip! Ready? Cheap Bee… see you’re not ready.
Zach, my sister forwarded me one of your “blogs” over a year ago. Since that day, I have checked it at least once or twice a month. We where just talking last week, wondering when you where coming back. Your writing gives light unto what is oppressed by shadow. It prompts the Spiritual brain to delve into the issue of truth. Thank you, and “continue to run in such a way as to get the prize.”
@Daine - I love you. And I’ll have a present for you soon.
@Josh - Your comments flatter me. And they give me hope. Looking forward to reading what you have to say.
I found your website a several months ago and have went on it at least 3 or 4 times a week. When you left I was really upset because I enjoyed reading everything that you wrote. I have checked to see if you were back so many times and am really glad to see that you finally are!! I read everything that you write with such agreement. I was surprised to finally find someone that thought the way that I do. Please keep writing. I am sorry you are going through some rough times but please be reassured that you are appreciated.
Glad that you are back and writing again. Your postings gave my brother in law( Joshua ) and I lots to debate and discuss. He emailed me today to let me know you were back. We found your writings very insightful and though we did not agree with everything you said…we really enjoyed just reading what you had to say. I admit I am guilty of just reading and never commenting, only because of my own insecurities and my feelings of being less than intelligent and not wanting to sound stupid. Anyhow I do look forward to more.
@Michelle - I’m glad you enjoy my site and I’m even more glad that you read. One word of…let me see, how should I say this…”advice,” if you will; please make sure that you’re not agreeing because I make a good argument or because it sounds kosher. Whatever I posit, please compare with the Bible and your understanding of it. Though I may be flattering myself by assuming that you blindly agree with whatever I write (I hardly think that at all), I want to ensure that the people who read my ideas do so with a grain of salt. The whole point of this weblog is to get Christians (and people in general) thinking for themselves concerning matters of faith. I only hope that I arrive with some degree of success concerning this goal when it comes to the readers of my site. I look forward to your challenges (if there are any) and future comments. It’s an absolute pleasure meeting you.
@Monica - I’d like to hear some of what you and Josh debate over. I’ve always been envious of the conversations I may have sparked, but never heard. In your case, I have the opportunity. It would be a huge favor. Also, I’d like to note that I’m a very good judge of character. And while I have noticed a quiet demeanor that according to you, stemmed from insecurities, I have never thought you less intelligent. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Quiet people tend to get the reputation for having meaningful things to say, and you’re no exception. So if I could encourage you to jump in and speak your mind, I would like to do so. You do have a quasi-blanket of anonymity here, you should take advantage of it. In closing, I’d like to say it’s good to be back.
Forgive me for stating the obvious, but if you thrive on snow you’ve come to the wroooong place
@Sara - It’s not that I thrive on snow, but rather the gray clouds, bitter weather, and the hopes of spending most of my time just looking at it from the comfort of my heated home. There’s something about being toasty when the world is cold that I seem to love…
I don’t know. I’m weird.
Z, I’m glad you started writing again. One of the things I like about Johnny Beloved is that there’s always something that makes me think. It’s more than just running the topic through the surface of my mind. It’s that kind of thinking that stays with you for a few days, and you dwell on the topic…maybe even dream of it.
As you know, you have a gift for putting words together and should continue. Glad to see that you’re back.
@Eric - I’m glad to see you again. How’s the family? We need to catch up soon.